Spencer Finds Adam, finally
by CassieAggie
Summary: When Adam Jackson left his body 4 years ago and Spencer Reid had to accept that the young man before him in the mirror was gone, it was hard. Spence felt that he had let Adam down in some way - he would work tirelessly to find Adam again...


When Adam Jackson left his body 4 years ago and Spencer Reid had to accept that the young man before him in the mirror was gone, it was hard. Spence felt that he had let Adam down in some way - he would work tirelessly to find Adam again...

"Good morning Amanda."

"Dr Reid! What has it been, a month? Aren't I the lucky girl..."

"I'm sorry, it has been over a month actually; the BAU has been very busy of late. How are you?"

"Busy huh? Lots of death, violence and sadness - lots of people to profile. Is that why your eyes hold such sadness?"

Spencer was suddenly feeling very vulnerable. He pressed on.

"I asked how _you_ are. Are you still having nightmares?"

"I'm sure my team of doctors have given you the usual report on my mental health status."

"Well I don't like to solely rely on medical reports Amanda, I thought you would know that about me by now. What has it been now, just over 4 years?"

"I'm sure you know exactly how long it has been Dr Reid, down to the last hour, last second! Isn't that _your_ thing?"

Spence ignored Amanda's jibe, "Has Julie been to see you since I was last here?"

"Julie moved away about 3 weeks ago... she met a guy. She was coming less and less anyway; it doesn't matter to me. Everyone leaves eventually right."

"Well I'm sorry to hear that, I know how close you were to her."

Amanda said with spite "Oh yeah, soul sisters - that's us! She was particularly close after I bashed her head in! I suppose taking Adam away didn't help either..."

Spencer ignored her sarcasm; "So you do care; you're angry that Julie moved away."

Amanda fidgeted with her hair and picked at her polished nails. When she shifted in her chair Spencer said "It's okay to be angry, it's a valid response, a genuine emotion."

"I don't like to talk about my emotions Dr Reid. I thought you would know that about me by now."

Touché. Spencer sensed that Amanda's mood was low; she was antagonistic and angry. He had to break that wall down; it would serve no purpose to either of them if Amanda shut down. He had already lost Adam, he didn't want to lose Amanda as well.

"Have you been writing or drawing? I always enjoy seeing your work when I come to visit."

"Oh Dr Reid, you are _soooo_ transparent! God, don't you think I realise that you study my writings, my pictures in the hope of head-shrinking me. I'm not stupid you know."

"No, you're not stupid Amanda, far from it actually. So have you? Do you have anything to show me?"

Amanda angrily pushed an envelope across the table at Spencer and hissed "Knock yourself out Doc!"

Spencer opened the large manila envelope and slid out a couple of drawings and a slew of written words on crumpled papers.

He studied the first drawing intently without making eye-contact with Amanda. Swirls of grey and scarlet strokes filled the page, framing a man's face, Adam's face. The eyes in the drawing held fear, anger and resentment. There were tear stains on the cheeks and the mouth gaped a little; almost as if he were about to scream or cry out.

"Adam looks torn about something here. He wants to cry out but he's afraid to, he's holding back. What was he so frightened of revealing when you drew this?"

"How the hell would I know? It's a drawing, a caricature of someone in my head, someone I once knew. How can I know what he was thinking?"

Spencer looked at Amanda and his tone shifted to one of frustration. "If you think long and hard you can probably answer the question Amanda. I think Adam wants you to know what scares him - enough to make him want to cry out. Look at his face, he's trying to tell us something."

Amanda didn't look at Adam's pain-etched facial features, she was too busy staring at Spencer's face. She said softly "I think Adam would want to know what put that sorrow in your eyes."

Spencer shifted uneasily in his chair now; he said gruffly "Well Adam can ask me himself if he wants to know that badly."

"So you would tell _him_, but not me?"

Spencer picked up another drawing and began studying it. Another man's face, an older man. There was no sorrow in this man's face or eyes, just pure evil. Spencer knew from history this was a drawing of Mark Harrison, Adam's loathsome step-father. This was the face of the man that beat and tortured Adam as a young boy. A vile human being that dressed young Adam in girl's dresses and did unspeakable things to him. A man who beat Adam's mother until she died; leaving behind a vulnerable 5 year old child who became the outlet for Harrison's sadistic and perverse ways.

"If Adam has been thinking about his step-father, that would explain the fear, the sadness that overshadows his entire face."

Amanda stood up abruptly and announced "If Adam has been thinking about that vile pig then he deserves to be as sad as God will allow him to be! Your 'duty' here is done Dr Reid. You've again fulfilled your long-term promise of continuing to visit in your inane quest to _find_ Adam. I am sure you have more pressing matters to deal with, people who need your remarkable skills, your amazing brain. You run along now and give my regards to the rest of the team at the BAU. It has been a pleasure, as always."

Spencer had a hint of a smug smile on his face, "Adam knows I'll keep coming to visit. I think you know that too Amanda, deep down. Why don't you make us some coffee while I read these notes of yours." There was no way Spencer would walk away now.

Amanda said sarcastically "Sure Doc, whatever you say. White with two isn't it?"

She walked off to the other side of the patient-filled Rec room to make their drinks.

Spencer picked up scraps of paper and began reading.

To the untrained eye the scrawls meant nothing but to Spencer they were statements written by Adam Jackson in the guise of Amanda; a woman who initiated the psychotic break that subsequently saw Adam leave his body and let Amanda take over, to save him from years of pain and torment.

_'How long before you can close your eyes, before it's not there anymore.'_ This was a question Adam asked Spencer in one of their very first conversations after Adam 'found' the body of a man named Daniel Keller at the Hudson Street Hotel on South Padre Island.

_'No remorse; they got what they deserved!'_ Spencer heard Amanda state this very early on after she was hospitalised, after Adam was disposed of. Amanda purported that Adam got what he deserved too; he was in a better place now.

Spencer's mind flashed back to the very first time he saw Amanda, at the Police station when both Julie Riley and Adam were questioned about the murders of male hotel patrons. It was not long after that, that Adam hurt Julie and informed her that Adam didn't need her anymore - after falling back into her guise of Amanda. Julie had been there for Adam, given him a job, been a good friend to him. It soon followed that Amanda told Spencer that she was the only person who could protect Adam, that she was stronger and could take it. Spencer made a promise that day that he would get both Amanda and Adam the help they needed. When Amanda threatened suicide he talked her down and reminded her that if she killed herself she would in fact be killing Adam too. He offered to help her to help Adam. Adam hadn't been seen again since that exchange.

As Amanda made her way back to Spencer, a quote from Stephen King played in Spence's mind, _'Monsters are real, ghosts are real too. They live inside us and sometimes they win'_... 4 years later he was still visiting Amanda and still vowing to help Adam and to give him the life he deserved, a life that was his. He wanted to feel better about the situation. He remembered telling Morgan that it wasn't right that they had let the abuser go and taken the victim into custody; that would never sit right with Spencer.

She set down his coffee and said "I'm going outside for a cigarette; I'll leave you to your reading."

"It's okay, I'm done here. I'll join you outside; the fresh air will be nice."

So they took their coffee and headed out into the grounds of the hospital.

With Amanda fixated on watching a couple of frolicking birds Spencer asked her "Why is it, do you think, that you won't allow Adam to come out and talk to me but you allow him to write down his thoughts? I'm curious."

"I'm afraid I don't know what you're referring to Dr Reid."

"One of the notes I read, it was actually from Adam, not you."

"I told you a long time ago that Adam is gone, that he's never coming back."

"I know that's what you told me Amanda but I don't think that's entirely true. Adam wrote down a question that he asked me up on the roof of the Hudson Street Hotel the very first day I met him... why do you think that is?"

Amanda was agitated, frustrated. She hated it when Reid caught her out. She was always really careful about not letting Adam come out; she was forever telling her medical overseers that Adam was in a safe place where no harm could come to him. She hated learning that Adam had made appearances; she felt like she was letting him down, not keeping him safe.

"Amanda, I know that you do everything in your power to protect Adam but sometimes, very occasionally, he wants to come out and he finds a way to be seen. Let me ask you this, do you think it may be that he needs to come out, that he wants to be heard? Perhaps Adam is tired of being pushed away; maybe he wants to talk and feel and live his own experiences."

"Dr Reid, it really doesn't matter much what Adam may want or need; the fact is, he will stay where he is and he will continue to be kept in that safe place for his own good. It is not up to you or me to coax him out and make him face the devastation that awaits him in the real world. Adam wouldn't cope with the ghastly truth out here and for that reason I believe he will stay put."

"Amanda, realistically we don't know exactly what Adam will face if he ever chooses to return. I know you think that Adam will need to pay for what happened to those men but like you, he will need specialised care and that will be here - not in the confines of a prison. Don't you think Adam deserves the chance to face that, accept the past, get the help he needs and at some point begin to live his life again."

"No Dr Reid, I don't believe that. You have no freakin' idea what it is like to live in Adam's skin; the daily struggles he faces, the stares, the whispers... the bullying, the torment, the ridicule. Why in hell would you want to put him through all of that; I thought you cared about Adam... obviously I was wrong."

"No, you weren't wrong, I care about Adam a lot. If I didn't care I wouldn't be here. You're wrong you know, I do know what it's like to live some of those embittered struggles. I once told Adam that guys like him and me, that we're not fighters - but in reality that's exactly what we are. We don't physically fight but life in itself is one constant fight, an overwhelming struggle. I was bullied and teased relentlessly all through school; I was always different. I had a mother with mental health issues and an absent father; I was tall and thin and embarassingly awkward, I wore glasses. You name it, I had it going on in spades when it came to reasons for being picked on. Don't think I don't know Adam's pain; we may have chosen to handle it differently, but I definitely know where his pain stems from. I was one of the lucky ones; even though my mother was ill I always knew that she loved me and she did all she could to protect me and watch out for me. I retaliated against the bullies by bettering myself; I honed in on my passions, my skills and talents and I made something of myself - I wouldn't let them win. As I got older I made sure that I surrounded myself with good people, people who cared about me and in turn, people I treasure in my life. I know Adam didn't have good people to turn to and that's not fair... I know he had it hard and I don't blame him for wanting to turn his back on the life he left behind but I think at some point he needs to return, to face this and grasp some hope that the rest of his life can and will be better... I believe he deserves that."

"Well that's all really nice and cosy and fluffy Dr Reid, and I'm happy for you - you got to where you are now, but that doesn't really help Adam! You landed on a soft cloud; you have a great job where you get to help people; you probably have a lovely home; you obviously grew in to your skin - you're a great looking guy; you probably have great friends, a wonderful partner in life to share the good times... none of that is going to happen for Adam and let's not kid ourselves Dr Reid - spending the rest of his life in this shit-hole doesn't exactly paint a rosy picture!"

Spence got defensive, "Don't presume to know what my life is like Amanda! The so-called soft cloud you refer to is actually a black cloud fraught with many, many dark linings... [Amanda was caught unawares by Spencer's tone] This great job of mine has seen me abused, tortured, kidnapped, shot, addicted to drugs - not to mention the pure evil and gruesome nature of mankind at large that I have had to witness and endure! If I get to help one person then yes, it is worth it but it is no walk in the park! It is people like Adam that are the reason I love my work... to help people who can't help themselves. My home is somewhere I hang my hat, nothing more. The amount of hours that I put in at work deprive me of spending any real quality time at home. As for friends - my friends, my _real_ friends are my work colleagues and that's because they get me. They too struggle with what we see and endure on a day-to-day basis and they have my back. They would never allow me to walk away from my life because it got too damn hard to live; they would pick me up and help me getting on with living... that's what _real_ friends do Amanda!"

After his rant Spencer took note of the tears and compassion in Amanda's eyes. It was the first time he had seen real emotion behind the green facade and heavy mascara. She held his gaze for a moment or two and said shakily "I apologise Dr Reid; it was wrong of me to think I know anything about you - other than what you choose to share here on your visits. I see now that you're a complex man and I believe that you truly care for Adam, and me... I'm sorry life has not been a bed of roses for you either."

Falling back into the moment Spencer took a deep breath and said "I apologise Amanda, I'm not sure where all of that came from; I certainly had no intention of bringing you down with my own struggles..."

"It's perfectly understandable though; you identify with Adam - I see that now. I know your care and empathy comes from a good place and I appreciate that you're here for him - he needs people like you in his corner."

"That's all I've ever wanted for Adam, to have someone in his corner - to have his back."

"You don't see me as that person?"

"Frankly, no! I think the intent behind your actions is admirable but I don't think it serves Adam well. You may think that you have his back but in fact, you're inhibiting him from growing strong enough to deal with his own crises. You're stunting Adam's growth by hiding him away; he will never learn to cope with life struggles if he is never given the chance to act on them. He may be safely tucked away but to what end Amanda? He tries to force his way out but you shut him down at every turn - that's not being in his corner; that's not trusting him enough to cope and deal on any real level - not allowing him to prove his worth as a human being and he deserves that Amanda."

Amanda didn't say anything for the longest time; Spence took comfort in that. She was thinking about his words, about the meaning behind his statements - that was a good thing. She was always so ready to defend, to ward off criticism, to bite back and never show any real emotion... finally Spencer was getting through to her.

Spencer decided to call the visit to a close. He felt he had accomplished quite a lot in the hour plus that he had spent with Amanda today. Hopefully they could pick up where they left off the next time he could find time to come and visit.

"Well I think we're done here today Amanda. I've enjoyed talking with you; I know it got heavy at times but I think you know that's because when people truly care, they don't hold back and nor should they. I think in time when you care enough about Adam to not hold back, you will allow him to come forward and speak for himself and he will appreciate that you did that for him, to care enough to do that."

Spencer gathered up his bag and jacket and turned to leave. "Dr Reid..."

Spencer stood motionless, silent. "Dr Reid..."

That wasn't Amanda's voice. Spence turned around. The figure before him was still wearing pink-issued correctional garments, still had soft flowing auburn hair and manicured nails and pale lip gloss but the voice didn't belong... they spoke again, "Dr Reid... Would you really tell me why you have such pain and sorrow in your eyes?"

Spence gathered enough momentum to splutter "Adam?"

A faint smile appeared on the young, but withered face before him. "I think Amanda cares enough to do the right thing... she doesn't want to hold back any more."

Tears were filling Spencer's eyes, he let them spill freely. "I think Amanda is doing the right thing, the courageous thing - the only thing that will help you Adam."

Adam nodded slowly. "Thank you Dr Reid... thank you for wanting to help me... I've wanted to say that for a _very_ long time."

Spencer took a few steps towards Adam, "I know Adam... How do you feel?"

"Like I'm going to throw up! [Spence chuckled] What will happen to me Dr Reid?"

Taking on a more serious tone, "I don't know for sure Adam - but I know one thing for sure... I will be here for you, to help you through no matter what. I will do whatever I can to get you through this next phase of your life - _YOUR_ life Adam! That has to feel good."

A wider smile appeared on Adam's face "It does feel kinda good!"

Spencer reached out and gave Adam's shoulder a reassuring squeeze. "You're stronger than you know Adam and I believe you will get through this - you just have to believe in yourself. You have a great team of doctors here and they're all here to help you; just trust in them and let them guide you."

Adam nodded, wanting to believe what Spence was telling him. "Dr Reid, did those things really happen to you? Have you really had all those bad things happen to you?"

"Yes Adam, it's all true... I wanted to tell you so that you know there is a chance for you to come back from the hell you've been through and still have a life worth living. Our struggles are different Adam but I can empathise with what you had to endure as a young boy, something I wish I could take away but I can't... I wouldn't lie to you about stuff like this."

"I know. You told Amanda that you would tell me about the sorrow, if I asked myself... Why would you want to do that?"

"Because over the past 4 years I have come to know you and respect you as a young man and I want you to trust me. I wanted you to trust me enough to come forward on your own. I have had many tragedies in my life Adam and a very recent one and that is the pain and sorrow that you see in my eyes, on my face... but I'm here... I'm still living my life and I'm still functioning. It takes a long time but each day gets easier and you should know that; I want you to know that."

Adam nodded, he too wanted to believe that. He looked down at his hands and they trembled. He slowly said "I think it's time for me to strip away these outer layers and become _me_ again... do you think that's okay Dr Reid?"

Spencer smiled "I think that's perfectly okay Adam. You can take the nails away and the make-up and everything else about you that holds Amanda in your stead, but afterwards I think you will grow to like Adam for who _he_ is, who _you_ are! There is nothing wrong with you Adam; I know that's difficult to accept and comprehend right now... but give it time. You have a lot of work ahead of you, a lot of healing to do and a lot of emotions to sort through but the people here will help you with all of that... just lean on them and let them catch you when you fall."

Adam shifted uneasily on his feet. Spencer said softly "I'm going to talk to your doctors before I leave and I will tell them that they have a new patient to take care of [Adam smiled coyly] ... and when I come back Adam, I want you to remember that I'm here for you and I will keep coming back until it's okay with you for me to stop."

"You would keep coming... even though I'm back... wasn't that your goal all along?"

"One of my goals, yes. Our work isn't done just because you're back Adam... in a lot of ways it has only just begun. I want to get to know you better Adam and I look forward to it. You know, you're an amazing artist and a good writer... I want you to keep working on that stuff; learn to hone those skills and let them work for you, I think that will help."

"Thanks Dr Reid... I can't believe you want to keep coming... but thank you."

Spence smiled sincerely. He turned to leave but then said quietly "Adam, I recently lost a very special woman in my life and it is hard for me to accept that love can hurt so much but every day I look around me and I find new ways of letting love touch me and fulfil me... Today, this was another good day for me and I want it to be a good day for you too... a great day... the first day in the next chapter of your life. Enjoy it Adam."

The two men shook hands, they knew they had an unbreakable bond for whatever reason but today was a great day for both of them. They would see each other again; some day the union would end but for now - Adam had Spencer in his corner and it felt good for Spence to be there... it felt right...


End file.
